media lizards

I live in London which means I get to know a lot of people. Those people are, often, from different countries.  Yes, it’s cool to meet foreigners, to learn about their culture and exchange life perspectives, but dating them? Well, let’s say it’s not really as you’ve imagined.  This is what you need to know (and apply before) arranging a date.

If your man is:

British

“Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.”

No, he doesn’t speak like Mr. Darcy and probably has to look up chivalry in the dictionary. He’s not a lord and goes to work by tube, not by carriage. He doesn’t drink tea at five o’clock and is probably fairly drunk by nine. When he asks you on a date, don’t expect to be taken to the opera, it’s very unlikely that he has ever been there. His idea of the ball is to go out with his friends, whom he calls mates, get pissed and pursue women (sometimes without the last thing if they are too drunk to talk). 

 He can’t recite Shakespeare in front of your window and never expect him to call you my fair lady; the best you will get is babe. If you imagined long horse rides in the country side, you will be very disappointed. He can’t ride, neither can he shoot an apple (the days of William Tell are long gone). He probably doesn’t play cricket.

You may expect your Englishman to be very polite and punctual, but unfortunately, he may be late for your meeting because “some prick blocked the traffic”. Looking forward to those long, rainy nights you will spend in your cottage in front of the lovely fireplace listening to The Beatles while he is whispering “All you need is love” and gently kissing your hair? That’s one scenario (the imaginary one).

 The realistic one is that he is either with you, but he’s incredibly agitated because “The bloody Manchester” lost again, or he is with his lads in a pub watching the Red Devils beating “The bloody Arsenal”. He will probably arrive drunk and tell you to turn off The Beatles. He will not wear a hat and a tie (a scruffy look is what you should prepare for). Oh, yes, and he doesn’t know the Queen.

French

“Rappelle- toi Barara, il plevait sans cesse sur Brest ce jour-la

Et tu marchais sourriante, epanouie, ravie, ruisselante…”

Every French guy knows Jacques Prevert. Well, no.  Your ‘amant’ will probably have no clue what you are talking about, and even if he thinks it is ‘familiar’, he will not be able to complete the song. You will be disappointed, but in high spirits to try the magic of his French cuisine. It may turn out, however, that he can’t cook at all and has no great knowledge about wines and cheese. If he offers you a take away pizza, you should consider yourself lucky (he made an effort to call).

At least you can rely on having long cultural discussions because this man knows every painting from the Louvre and considers “Le chateau de Versailles” his second home? Well, no. He has learnt about Monet in school (but copied from a friend on the arts exam) and has visited Versailles once and fell asleep in the second room.  He doesn’t listen to Edith Piaf or Aznavour and it’s very likely that his answer to the question “Do you know Arthur Rimbaud?” will be “I think there’s one Arthur in my office. “

He will not arrive on dates wearing a beautiful coat and a Cartier watch. Your birthday present will not be Chanel No5. Dreaming about a lovely weekend in Paris? He is actually from a village whose name you can’t pronounce.  Maybe he has a romantic side, but it’s locked deep, deep under his hoody (he does NOT wear a coat).  A lot more than “Je t’aime” you will hear “I don’t care”. But all of this doesn’t really matter because he’s the master, the prince, the lord of French kissing. Well… Maybe, if you are extremely lucky. In most cases, he’s just an average guy with a funny English accent.

Italian

Era il giorno ch’al sol si scoloraro
per la pietà del suo factore i rai,
quando ì fui preso, et non me ne guardai,
chè i bè vostr’occhi, donna, mi legaro

Petrarca wrote about her lovely eyes. Your Italian boy will not notice if you cut all your hair and get a tattoo with “I love Italy” on your forehead.  You may want to fool yourself by thinking that he is dreamer; the truth is that he didn’t hear what you said because he was checking out your friend. Italian is the language of love. English spoken by an Italian is the language everybody laughs at. Be prepared to see people taking the mickey out of your amici and probably out of you too (because you are the fool who chose him).  He may be the man of words, but he’s also the man of moves. Even the most ordinary story will have lots of special effects in his interpretation. He will clap hands; move them left and right like a puppet on a string (or more precisely like a clown) while he’s telling you what the time is. If you are a single mother, this guy is the perfect entertainment for your child.

Unfortunately, he can’t make pizza, lasagna or carbonara, but he is more than happy to leave that job to you. When it comes to fashion, he should have a great style. He probably learnt some tricks from Dolce and Gabbana.  Ummm, no. Maybe he’s a tough guy? You are thinking Italian mafia, Al Capone, Al Pacino in Scarface. Your guy is afraid of pigeons. His house was obviously not decorated by Michelangelo (the Sistine Chapel doesn’t have socks all over the place). You expect him to sing you some Eros Ramazzoti in the twilight.

He would if he wasn’t out with your friend who he has been checking out or if he had a singing voice.

You are trying to be mysterious a la Mona Lisa, he dumps you because you are weird and you are bothering him. Don’t agonize because you are not as sexy as Monica Bellucci and because all Italian women are the creatures of beauty and grace. His ex girlfriend was very average and somehow funny. Actually, they kind of look the same. 

Russian

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers who begin to interest us at first

Sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

Russian guy! A perfect source for Dostoevsky! Unfortunately, you will find out that he hasn’t read a single one of Fyodor’s books and the only book he can be associated with is The Idiot.  You believe that you have found a strong man with Stalin’s will and power. He can’t even decide where to go for dinner.  When it comes to ice skating, he is Evgeni Plushenko. In his dreams. He’s proud of his country ice skating achievements, but is not very confident on the ice. Maybe he will take you to ballet to see some young Mikhail Baryshnikov? Not very likely- he thinks ballet is for little girls.

You are thrilled to hear stories about the Soviet Union from an expert on the topic. He only knows that “Something bad has happened.” He is not a communist. When it comes to romance, he’s not really count Vronsky. He can’t play balalaika. You pictured him in a fur coat and a classy hat, but he keeps wearing t-shirts. He keeps getting annoyed by the weather- “It’s very cold”. (Aren’t you Russian?) You are thinking about telling him do svidanya, but there’s one thing that’s stopping you. You can’t wait to drink with this man!

You will get drunk; he will feel nothing, get you and your empty bottle of vodka in his arms and show you some soviet magic. Well, no. The picture is somehow different- you are sitting sober or tipsy while he’s in the toilet being violently sick after two shots of vodka. You ask him if he’s fine, he keeps saying “da, da”. After spending time with this guy, you will seriously need one AK- 47. Not to shoot him. To shoot yourself because you have been unbelievably stupid.

Hopefully, now you’ve got the picture. Special cases like Aussies and Americans are not covered because you don’t want to date convicts and non English speakers. This all may seem a bit depressing, but it’s better safe than sorry, right?

If you still feel like searching for an “ideal” man, definitely go for it. Just take a peek at his passport before falling in love.